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[Ingeburg]

Hallo an alle wiedermal,

heute bräuchte ich Hilfe in Sachen comments. Zu den beiden folgenden topics sollte ich die passenden Briefe schreiben (je 150-180 w.).
Ich bitte um Durchsicht und fachkundigen Rat.

Dank im Voraus.
Liebe Grüße, Ingeborg

1. Brief eines Hilfesuchenden an die "agony aunt", Sandra Pryor, einer Columne beantworten. Write down the advice that you would personally give.
2. You have decided you would like to work for a voluntary organisation (the Samaritians, Red Cross, ...). Write a letter to the org., explaining something about yourself (see below) and your reasons and qualifications for wanting to help.
You are:
Krankenschwester, Sprechstundenhilfe, Arzthelferin...
seit 5 Jahren; Kenntnisse: Labor, Assistenz, Verwaltung, Umgang mit Patienten; Gründe: your ideas

1.
Dear George,
It is really difficult to give you some words of advice. On the one hand, you have to get out of the rut and you must change something. It’s a good idea to go on a trip. On the other hand, you have to look after your father. Five years are a long time and your Dad is no spring chicken any more. Besides or moreover?, would you really sell your house you have been lived for so many years? Such a good old people’s home is very expensive and thus would be taken off from the money you get for the house and saving (erspartem?) for the time after the trip.
In my opinion, you have to reach a compromise. Why do you want to go so far away for so many years and why are you considering such an extraordinary thing like sailing around the world? It would be better to go on shorter trips several. Invite some friends to go with you. Visit big cities or whatever you are interested in. It’s no problem to find a solution for your Dad for a few days like a nurse and a housekeeper. That’s what I would do if I were you. By the way, life can be more pleasant and enjoyable with a partner and also do journeys.
Best wishes,
Sandra Pryor

2.
Dear Sir or Madam,
I would be interested in working as a volunteer in your organisation.
Dealing with people and helping at the same time I want to do also in an useful and constructive activity in my free time. Through my job I got already an insight into the work of the Red Cross.
I am qualified for this position because I have had a thorough training in this field as a Qualified doctor’s assistant /medical assistant ? (Arzthelferin)
and I have been working in this line of business for five years.
I have a good knowledge of / in ? lab, like blood taking and analyzing, assisting the doctor and medicine emergencies and business education and I’m used dealing with every kind of caller and patients wanting to consult the doctor.
Working at the Rescue central office Rettungsleitstelle or the blood- and transplant donation (Blut- und organspendewesen; (Blutspendedienst nicht gefunden)) would be good possibilities to employ my experiences.
I would be very interested in having a private conversation with you.
Sincerely yours,
...

[Ingeburg]

Hallo nochmals an alle,

es wäre sehr lieb, wenn ihr euch das anschauen könntet. Wäre mir eine große Erleichterung.

Liebe Grüße, Ingeburg

[BeAFrog]

Hallo Ingeburg,

ich mach mich mal an den 2ten Teil.

Das ganze kingt recht hoch gestochen, dennoch fehlen einige britische/amerikanische standardfloskeln. Hast Du Dir mal cover letters im Internet angeschaut. Ohne Dir eventuell unrecht tun zu wollen, bleib etwas näher bei der Ausdrucksweise die Du auch nutzen würdest, wenn Du nicht lange nachdenkst.


Dear Sir or Madam,
FLOSKEL I am writing to you....hier nun angepasst weiter, wieso Du Dich bewirbst (Blind, Zeitung, Website) darauf dann das folgende aufbauen.

I would be interested in working as a volunteer in your organisation.
Dealing with people and helping at the same time I want to do also in an useful and constructive activity in my free time. (Entweder bin ich zu Müde, oder dieser Satz mach keinen Sinn!)

Through my job I got already I already gained an insight into the work of the Red Cross.
Binde das besser ins folgende ein, das wirkt doppelt gemoppelt.

I am qualified for this position because I have had a thorough training in this field as a qualified medical assistant.
Zu sehr mit der Tür ins Haus! Du solltest sowas auch mehr an entweder Anfang oder Ende stellen. Indem Fall würde ich es wohl irgendwo nach dem "I would be interested in...." anstellen, ala: and I feel that my thorough training in this area qualifies me for this position. (Das ist nur das erst beste was mir in den Sinn kam, geht noch besser.)

and I have been working in this line of business - area/sector, business find ich unpassend for five years.


I have a good knowledge of / in ? lab, like blood taking and analyzing, assisting the doctor and medicine emergencies and business education
During that time I also gained an extensive knowledge on lab work such as....
and I’m used to dealing with every kind of caller and patients wanting to consult the doctor.
caller würed ich nicht nutzen, Vorschlag: ...kind of incoming call as well as ...

Working at the Rescue central office Rettungsleitstelle or the blood- and transplant donation (Blut- und organspendewesen; (Blutspendedienst nicht gefunden))
Blutspendedienst - Blood Donation Service
Rettungsleitstelle - Rescue Coordination Center

would be good possibilities to employ my experiences.

Pack das so ein das es für sie nach einem Vorteil klingt und nicht für Dich.

I would be very interested in having a private conversation with you.

Standard Floskel:
I am looking forward to hearing from you soon. ODER
I am confident my skills and previous work experience will enable me to perform the duties of the position well. I am available for an interview at a time convenient to you and can be contacted by telephone on xxxxx
ODER
I hope you find my details of interest and look forward to your response.
Es gibt noch 100 andere die hier passen.
Sincerely yours,


Zum Schluss nochmal, sorry ich zerpflücke Texte sonst nicht so, aber da ich denke, das Bewerbungen wichtig sind konnte ich mich nicht zurückhalten. Hätte auch noch 100 Zusätzliche Dinge schreiben können, aber das beste wird es sein Du Googels mal nach Cover letter oder application letter.

Gruss
BeAFrog

[Ingeburg]

Hallo,
danke BeAFrog für deine Mühe und die guten Tipps. Habs nochmal versucht. Hier mein Vorschlag.

Liebe Grüße, Ingeburg

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing to you because I would be interested in working as a volunteer in your organisation. Helping people like in my job would be an useful and constructive activity in my free time.

Through my job I already gained an insight into the work of the Red Cross and I feel that my thorough training in this area qualifies me for this work.

I have a vocational education as a qualified medical assistant and I have been working in this sector for five years.

During that time I also gained an extensive knowledge on lab work such as blood taking and analyzing, and also in assisting the doctor by medicine emergencies and in business education.

Good possibilities to employ my experiences to the work of the Red Cross would be the Rescue central office ? Rettungsleitstelle? or the blood- and transplant donation ? ?(Blut- und organspendewesen; (Blutspendedienst nicht gefunden))

I’m used to dealing with every kind of incoming call as well as patients wanting to consult the doctor.

I am confident my skills and previous work experience will enable me to perform the duties of the position well.
So I am available for an interview at a time convenient to you and can be contacted by on top given address.

Sincerely yours,
…

[richard]

Ich werde morgen nocmal in die Beiträge reinschauen. Heute zu spät. Sorry!

[Ingeburg]

Hallo nochmals an alle,

bitte, bitte, könnte nicht jemand die Texte doch noch durchsehen. Richard hatte es versprochen, aber anscheinend ist er krank oder sonstwie verhindert.

Wäre sehr lieb. Dank im Voraus.

Ganz liebe Grüße, Ingeburg


1. Hab den ersten auch nochmal verändert:
Dear George.
It is really difficult to give you some of advice regarding that situation. On the one hand you have to get out of the rut and you must change something. It’s a good idea to go on a trip.
On the other hand you have to look after your father. In my opinion, that’s more important because I think that people have to take care of their parents when they are old. Five years are a long time and your dad is no spring chicken anymore. Moreover, would you really sell your house you’ve been living for so many years?
Such a good old people’s home is very expensive and the costs for that would be taken off from the money you would get for the house.
This money you but need for the time after the trip.
To my mind, you have to come to a compromise. Why do you want to go so far away for so many years and why are you considering such an extraordinary thing like sailing around the world? It would be better to go on several shorter trips. Invite some friends to take part. Visit big cities or whatever you are interested in. It’s no problem to find a solution with regard to your Dad for a few days like a nurse and a housekeeper. That’s what I would do if I were you. By the way, life can be more pleasant and enjoyable with a partner and so do journeys.

[Ingeburg]

Hallo zusammen,

ich bitte euch nochmal darum, das durchzusehen.

Dank im Voraus.
Liebe Grüße, Boudicca


Dear George.
(macht man nach der Anrede und vor der Schlußformel eine Leerzeile?)

It is really difficult to give you some of advice regarding that situation. On the one hand you have to get out of the rut and you must change something. It’s a good idea to go on a trip.
On the other hand you have to look after your father. In my opinion, that’s more important because I think that people have to take care of their parents when they are old. Five years are a long time and your dad is no spring chicken anymore. Moreover, would you really sell your house you’ve been living for so many years?
Such a good old people’s home is very expensive and the costs for that would be taken off from the money you would get for the house.
This money you but need for the time after the trip.
To my mind, you have to come to a compromise. Why do you want to go so far away for so many years and why are you considering such an extraordinary thing like sailing around the world? It would be better to go on several shorter trips. Invite some friends to take part. Visit big cities or whatever you are interested in. It’s no problem to find a solution with regard to your Dad for a few days like a nurse and a housekeeper. That’s what I would do if I were you. By the way, life can be more pleasant and enjoyable with a partner and so do journeys.

Best wishes,
…


Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing to you because I would be interested in working as a volunteer in your organisation. Helping people like in my job would be an useful and constructive activity in my free time.

Through my job I already gained an insight into the work of the Red Cross and I feel that my thorough training in this area qualifies me for this work.

I have a vocational education as a qualified medical assistant and I have been working in this sector for five years.

During that time I also gained an extensive knowledge on lab work such as blood taking and analyzing, and also in assisting the doctor by medicine emergencies and in business education.

Good possibilities to employ my experiences to the work of the Red Cross would be the Rescue central office ? Rettungsleitstelle? or the blood- and transplant donation ? ?(Blut- und organspendewesen; (Blutspendedienst nicht gefunden))

I’m used to dealing with every kind of incoming call as well as patients wanting to consult the doctor.

I am confident my skills and previous work experience will enable me to perform the duties of the position well.
So I am available for an interview at a time convenient to you and can be contacted by on top given address.

Sincerely yours,
…

[richard]

Grüße, Boudicca


Dear George.
(macht man nach der Anrede und vor der Schlußformel eine Leerzeile?)

It is really difficult to give you some of advice regarding that situation. On the one hand you have to get out of the rut and you must change something. It’s a good idea to go on a trip.
On the other hand you have to look after your father. In my opinion, that’s more important because I think that people have to take care of their parents when they are old. Five years are a long time and your dad is no spring chicken anymore. Moreover, would you really sell your house you’ve been living in for so many years?
Such a good old people’s home is very expensive and the costs for that would be taken off from the money you would get for the house.
This money you but need for the time after the trip.
To my mind, you have to come to a compromise. Why do you want to go so far away for so many years and why are you considering such an extraordinary thing like sailing around the world? It would be better to go on several shorter trips. Invite some friends to take part. Visit big cities or whatever you are interested in. It’s no problem to find a solution with regard to your Dad for a few days like a nurse and a housekeeper. That’s what I would do if I were you. By the way, life can be more pleasant and enjoyable with a partner and so do journeys.

Comment:
Dein Text 1 ist sprachlich-bis auf einen kleinen Fehler (rot) völlig in Ordnung und braucht nicht umgeschrieben zu werden, da er als persönliches Schreiben keinen formalen Kriterien unterliegt.
Bei Text 2 (Bewerbung) hast du ja schon die sehr guten Tipps von BeAfrog eingebaut. Für zukünftige Texte dieser Art als link:

http://jobsearch.about.com/od/coverlett ... etters.htm

Best wishes

[richard]

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